Five Best...Richard Thompson "Snake" Songs

#5. "Don't Tempt Me" from Amnesia

He's got the looks, he's got the lolly
Driving me clean off my trolley
Doing the jitterbug, doing the jive
Doing the shimmy, snakes alive
That's not a dance, that's S-E-X
Ban that couple, certificate X

#4. "Bank Vault in Heaven?" from you? me? us?

Going to shine down from heaven right into your room
Take the minds of your children right off to the moon
Every mud hut and igloo, every penthouse and farm
I'll shine down from heaven and I'll do my snake-charm

#3. "Mother Knows Best" from Rumor and Sigh

She tells everybody she was born in a ditch
She back-combs her hair 'till she looks like a witch
Wolves in her train, serpents suckle at her breast
Don't forget to wash behind your ears, 'cause mother knows best

#2. "Put It There Pal" from you? me? us?

Some say you're a rattlesnake in the grass
But I say the sun shines out of your arse

#1. "Cooksferry Queen" from Mock Tudor

She gave me one pill to get bigger
She gave me one pill to get small
I saw snakes dancing all around her feet
And dead men coming throught the wall
Well I'm the prince of this parish
I've been ruthless and I've been mean
But she blew my mind as she opened my eyes
She's my Cooksferry Queen

Five Best...Marlon Brando Songs

#5. "Close but No Cigar" by Weird Al Yankovic

And I loved her even more
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way

#4. "Marlon Brando's Laundromat" by Pony Up!

Tonight, all my clothes are dirty
Tonight.
Tonight, Marlon help me wash my clothes
Tonight.
Tonight, I'm staying home and I'll sleep tight.

#3. "It's Hard to Be a Saint in the City" by Bruce Springsteen

I had skin like leather and the diamond-hard look of a cobra
I was born blue and weathered but I burst just like a supernova
I could walk like Brando right into the sun, then dance just like a Casanova

#2. "Pocahontas" by Neil Young

And maybe Marlon Brando
Will be there by the fire
We'll sit and talk of Hollywood
And the good things there for hire
And the Astrodome and the first tepee
Marlon Brando, Pocahontas and me
Marlon Brando, Pocahontas and me

#1. "China Girl" by David Bowie

I feel tragic like I'm Marlon Brando
When I look at my China Girl
I could pretend that nothing really meant too much
When I look at my China Girl

Five Best...Songs from Help!

#5. "The Night Before"

When I held you near, you were so sincere,
Treat me like you did the night before.

#4. "Ticket to Ride"

She said that living with me,
Is bringing her down yeh,
For she would never be free when I was around.

She's got a ticket to ride,
She's got a ticket to ri-hi-hide,
She's got a ticket to ride, but she don't care.

#3. "Help!"

When I was young, but so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way,
But now these days are gone and I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind I've opened up the doors.

#2. "It's Only Love"

Why am I so shy when I'm beside you?
It's only love and that is all,
Why should I feel the way I do?
It's only love and that is all,
But it's so hard loving you.

#1. "I've Just Seen a Face"

Falling, yes I'm falling,
And she keeps calling me back again.
I have never known the like of this I've been alone and I have,
Missed things and kept out of sight
For other girl were never quite like this.

Five Best...Chain Songs

#5. "Chain That Door" by Mudhoney

Where do you think we've seen that girl?
Chain that door, I'm outta your world

#4. "Ball and Chain" by Big Brother and the Holding Company

Sitting down by my window,
Oh, looking at the rain.
Sitting down by my window now now,
All around I felt it,
All I could see was the rain.
Something grabbed a hold of me, honey,
Felt to me honey like, lord, a ball and chain.

#3. "Chain Saw" by the Ramones

Texas chain saw massacre,
They took my baby away from me
But she'll never get out of there,
She'll never get out of there

#2. "Chain Gang" by Sam Cooke

That's the sound of the men,
They are working on the chain gang.

#1. "Walking on a Wire" by Richard and Linda Thompson

I hand you my ball and chain
You just hand me that same old refrain

Playlist, Vol. VI

Here's another chance for all you readers to see the bands and artists that I may listen to but haven't yet mentioned in a posting. I put my iPod on shuffle and write down what’s played. Here’s what I heard:

"Carrying the Banner (Finale)" by Newsies
"Time Warp (1989 Remix)" by Rocky Horror Picture Show
"Streamline Woman" by Muddy Waters
"Clash City Rockers" by the Clash (live)
"Cotton" by the Mountain Goats
"Lovin' Blues" by Bobby "Blue" Bland
"Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts" by Bob Dylan
"Ticket to Ride" by the Beatles
"I Can Make Music" by Al Green
"Man of God" by Neil Diamond"
"Little Umbrellas" by Frank Zappa
"Ghost Wiring" by Neko Case
"It Takes One to Know One" by Johnny Cash
"Ol' Mac Donald" by Frank Sinatra

Five Best...Terribly Awesome Cover Songs

#5. Neil Diamond's "Kentucky Woman" by Deep Purple

#4. Wings' "Live and Let Die" by Guns 'N' Roses...or...Bob Dylan's "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" by Guns 'N' Roses.

#3. Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours" by the California Raisins

#2. Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" by the Maynard Ferguson Big Band

#1. The Village People's "YMCA" by Gregorious

Here's an actual good one: I confess that I thought "Good Lovin'" was a Young Rascals original, but little did I know that it was first recorded by the Olympics. Here's there version, which is sort of like a cover for me, thinking the way I did. It's a great song, no matter who sings it--even the Dead.

Fifteen Best...Fake Bands

As you'll soon notice, bands like Spinal Tap and Tenacious D aren't on this list. That's because they went on to perform, and became a real fake band. I only choose acts that haven't actually existed and, sadly, never will.

#15. The Shmenge Brothers from SCTV



#14. My Pretty Pony from Veronica Mars



#13. The Riverbottom Nightmare Band from Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas



#12. Dingoes Ate My Baby from Buffy the Vampire Slayer



#11. Brick Springhorn and the Tenth Avenue Band from a random Transformers comic



#10. Stillwater from Almost Famous



#9. Sonic Death Monkey from High Fidelity (Also known as Barry Jive and the Uptown Five or Kathleen Turner Overdrive.)



#8. Drive Shaft from Lost



#7. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem from The Muppet Show



#6. Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld/Faith Plus One/Fingerbang from South Park



#5. The Rutles from All You Need is Cash



#4. The Beets from Doug



#3. Dregs of Humanity from It's Your Move



#2. Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution from Arrested Development (I couldn't get a picture of the "band," so instead here's one of Tobias' résumé)



#1. The Wonders (or the Oneders) from That Thing You Do! (Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters, as well)



Honorable Mention: The Dangles from Rocko's Modern Life, who, of course, are a band that plays at a nudist colony. Why that show was never more popular, I have no idea.